Electric
Embersfrom a fan, sent to my inbox 1/9/06. Formatting, aside from italics, belongs to sender:
Date: Jan 9, 2006
4:04 PM
Subject: www.whiskeyandacigarette.org
Words cannot properly express my deep hatred and disdain for your site.
Promoting cigarette smoking and the drunken imbibing of whiskey is a detriment to the well being of our society. It begs the question, are you on the payroll of Phillip-Morris? And how immature. It seems you never socially graduated high school.
And
what's with the black and white picture of you dressed in all black
clothing. Oh, how original.
Only 10 million of your type wandering
endlessly in Tompkins Square Park in a delusional state of terminal
hipness. Your site should more aptly be titled www.fullofmyselfandandanarcissi
isn't that nice? there are some more below. add some of your own thoughts if you like. just send me an email.
from another, sent to my inbox 1/17/06:
Date: Jan 17, 2006 12:12 PM
Subject: Hate Mail
WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! WHAT THE--I SUPPOSE YOU THINK THAT THIS IS ALL FUN AND GAMES, DON'T YOU? I BET YOU'RE LAUGHING AT THE FACT THAT MY 'CAPS LOCK' KEY IS STUCK! WELL, THIS IS ALL ... CRAP, THAT'S WHAT IT IS! CRAP! I MEAN IT'S ALL LA-DE-DAH AND WHOOP-TE-DOO BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE, LIKE, FUCKING SHIT IN, LIKE, THE MIDEAST AND SHIT? YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY? DO YOU? WELL, YOU WOULDN'T THINK IT WAS FUNNY IF YOU WERE BEING CRUSHED UNDER A TON AND A HALF OF CAMEL SHIT, LET ME TELL YOU THAT. NOT THAT I KNOW OF ANYONE WHO IS BEING CRUSHED UNDER A TON AND A HALF OF CAMEL SHIT, BUT YOU WOULDN'T. AND YOU WOULDN'T FIND IT SO FUNNY IF YOU WERE A PORCUPINE, EITHER, BECAUSE PORCUPINES HAVE TINY LITTLE BRAINS AND NO SENSE OF HUMOR. MAYBE YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT THESE THINGS BEFORE YOU MAKE YOUR PRECIOUS LITTLE POSTS.
yeah, i'm not really sure about that one, either. but i do invite the hate mail. i don't judge. okay, i do judge. but in a good way.
from another, sent to my inbox 1/18/06:
Date: Jan 18, 2006 2:33 AM
Subject: I hate you're ass face
Dear Mz. Chance,
You suck ass- my Indie-folk/rap/emo/ska-metal band "whiskey and a cigarette orgasm" was trying to get this url and now you fucked it all up. Now we have to change our band name to "booze smoke cumming" and that just sucks (even though it is kind of rad in a way). You're website isn't even finished yet and you think your so funny by crushing a teenage boy's dreams of internet rock stardom by hoggin all the cool url names and posting pictures of hot chicks who so obviously aren't you. Where do you get off on this you sick sick lady, and am I invited?
Sincerely,
Randy Glove
i confess i'm a bit taken with young Randy. keep an eye out for "booze smoke coming"--they're gonna be big, i've a feeling.
sent to my inbox 1/18/06:
Date: Jan 18, 2006 6:21 PM
Subject: hate mail
very nice, sammy, but what happens when you stop smoking? won't you have to buy a new domain name and then lose all your customer- uh ... johns- ... uh, audience?
wow, harsh.
little does she know her first question will soon be answered in the helpful FAQ section. keep an eye out, bizatch!
sent to my inbox 1/19/06:
Date: Jan 19, 2006 2:34 AM
Subject: More hate mail
OK, now your hideous, cluttered site lists the
great Sam Arno Jan 6 but publicly retains a previous justified
complaint for its omission, thus unjustly undermining the complainer.
Either remove or edit out the complaint or re-institute the offense to
justify the complaint. You unfairly undermined the complainer. Not to
mention the fact that the date is in the past and obsolete!!
Then you have the audacity to omit a certain great comedian from the
Speech Therapy performance. Where are your morals? Stop the harassment!
sent to my inbox 1/23/06:
Date: Jan 23, 2006 2:07 AM
Subject: I KNOW about you and your "hate mail"
As a female of deviant sexual persuasion (and, I might add, an intelligent human being with better things to do than read fan mail culled by an egomaniacal webmaster and thinly veiled as "hate mail"), I resent this bullshit. Especially the "lesbian" reference--what self-respecting daisy-lover would post such arcane crap?
Hella underground my ass. A search on Google for whiskey and/or cigarettes (so what if I'm an alcoholic smoker with an addition to Internet shopping and not-so softcore footage?) turns up this damn site as number one. Damn Google and their corruptible PageRank software! Now to figure out how to get rid of this fudgin virus that automatically saves this site as my friggin homepage and downloads the black-and-white picture as my desktop AND--get a load of this--screensaver. FRICK!!
You think you're all posh with all your cyber stalkers talking dirty to you yeah you think your stupid site matters while you're up at 3 am typing this crap and laughing at the screen in your unventilated apartment with the leaky pipe in the other room but you're too drunk to care stumbling in from that hole a few blocks down where you had one too many Maker's (again) and so you hauled ass home to get on whiskeyandcigarette.org because godforbid they're all out there waiting waiting for you! and you can't let them down oh no you can't with your ugly gray background (who uses #663366 anymore?) and your typos and lies and your shameless self-promotion and GOD those damn brown eyes and red lips and shit I bet you're not even a real lesbian with lips like those and who the fuck do you think you are HELL let me be the judge of that: I dare you double fucking dare you--kiss me.
...or return to whiskeyandacigarette.org home.
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